The New Me

I’ve spent most of my life bouncing around from place to place and have always had an easy time absorbing the culture. I know everyone does this. I, however, do it instantly and with no ability to control myself.

Initially, it had been an asset. By the time I was eight, I’d lived in 4 different countries and had found that people don’t generally like foreigners. The faster you can become one of “them” the better. We were too insulated from the Italians to learn their culture, but I had a relatively easy time becoming a “Soviet Georgian”, then “an American”, later “a Texan”. So far so good. Then things got a little strange.

I became a trombone player and as a teen found myself surrounded by guys. Naturally I started “to become”. I went into my parents closet and emerged as my step dad borrowing his pants and t-shirts. My parents thought it was all cute until they found I was still dressing and acting like a boy well into college.

At some point, I recall them grabbing and shaking me screaming “Stop it! We had a daughter!” Ok maybe it didn’t quite go like that. In reality, they sat me down and tried to explain that people don’t know how to categorize me, that I’m “neither this nor that“, and people don’t generally like those they don’t understand. I shrugged. I didn’t really understand most people either and decided the world at large and I had a perfectly reciprocal relationship.

A while later, my mom sat me down again and explained that if I continue to dress and act in a masculine way, I would attract feminine men. She had concocted this theory about how each relationship seeks a balance between the feminine and the masculine counterparts and that women who trended toward the masculine would attract weak effeminate men to keep a sort of gender role balance within the relationship. “Of course that’s totally fine,” she added, “if you’re into that sort of thing”. Ewwwwww. I immediately went into my parents closet and reemerged as my mother. I’m still not sure if she is right, but I couldn’t take any chances!Since then, I’ve been happily and somewhat awkwardly bouncing through life as my mother until my life in Chelsea began.

One of the many distinctive characteristics of Chelsea is it’s disproportionate population of young gay men. After a week of watching very trendy, good looking gay boys sashaying past me down 7th and 8th avenue, and following a long conversation with my fabulous gay neighbor, Britt, about his plans for renovations of our bathroom, I suddenly found myself morphing into.....thats right, a gay man. I’ve actually caught myself striking a pose calling everything I liked “fabulous” and everyone I liked “sweet”. I’ve become completely obsessed with accessorizing my apartment which has suddenly become immaculate. The other morning I actually caught myself saying to someone, “I’ll need a nice suit for the big supervisors meeting. Oh darn! An excuse to go shopping!” Dear god! I’ve always hated shopping! What’s happening?!